APH: Sleeping Angel

It was a very hushed evening. The only sound I heard was our peaceful breathing. He was sleeping on his side and I lay next him with my elbow supporting my upper body, my hand against my cheek. The silent man beside me was resting, resting from the tiring activity before. I myself was tired, what man wouldn't be exhausted, but I choose to stay aware of this Japanese man's dreaming.

Why? Well who wouldn't? I could stare at him for hours not eating nor drinking. He was all I wanted in life; he was enough to keep me alive, enough to help me cope with the uneven reality. The reality that me and this person can never be.

I tired hard for months to keep that truth away from us but what can I do? I'm no god or lord. I'm a simple stubborn man. A man who would do anything to get everything he wanted. A man that only wants happiness. A man who does things knowing there would be consequences ahead.

I'm no man for this kind-hearted soul. I'm just as sinful as all the bastards I've met. But this man, this beautiful man accepts me though I am not even near of being called worthy of him. Somehow he thinks I am. I am so selfish. I've always been selfish.

I suddenly heard a groan from the Asian. He broke my deep thinking again. He'd always distracted me, in good ways and bad ways. He'd turn my life around in anyway he would enjoy and I would obey him like a loyal dog of the Queen. I'm a fool to be this affected this powerfully by Kiku. But I no longer belong to myself but to him.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered knowing I was the only one to hear my own words.

I hummed a song I wrote for him and crappy song it was! I'm not like my people from before. Shakespeare was no relative of mine. But I liked the tune I came out with, so maybe it could be a lullaby. A lullaby that only his conscience would here.  

My humming faded momentarily. It was hurting. It felt like we were parting. It hurt so much. I don't think I could bear being away from him. It would be like my soul was taken from my dirty body. My entire life seemed to depend on his actions. A fool, I tell you. I'm a fool for him.

"Love…"

My emerald eyes widen. Was he awake? I examined his face. His eyes were still closed, eyelids still in place. Asleep, good. The last thing I could want is for him to wake up.  I observed further in his ravishing face. He had a flawless beautiful pinkish pale complexion, I slide the back of my finger tempted to feel such treasure. It was as smooth as petals. My finger now touched his small lips. His lips would shame the most redden rose in heaven's holy garden. I could never forget how those same lips would comfort me when it felt like the world shunned me alone. No one could help me but him, only him. His simple words always made me triumph.

My fingers now played with his silky raven hair, it was smoother than velvet and was shining more than any diamond. His long eyelashes gave more evidence that he should be female, he was too gorgeous. I wanted to make him a hot dripping mess again. Damn, I'm such a perv.

Then an alien feeling tangled in my heart. What is it? I don't know. I don't understand it at all. It hurts. I'm a strong person I must say, with all I've been through, with all the wars I've started and with all the people I cared for leaving me. I am strong.  It's a miracle I'm still here, alive and independent. But this feeling, it hurts through me like a knife.  

And like lighting it struck me. It's a feeling of a blessed man gets, a sinful yet blessed man, a man who didn't care if God even existed but was blessed, blessed with an angel. Guilt. It was guilt. I was blessed generously but still I commit sin with this angel. I'm so selfish. So very selfish.

"Arthur…"

I looked at Kiku, worried he woke up. Good, he wasn't awake, he was only sleep talking. Oh how cute! He was dreaming…of me? A smile suddenly curved on his rosy lips. It was a fine dream then. I felt joy over power the pain earlier. All I needed was to know he loved me.  I know its wrong to choose happiness before God but I could die and go to hell as long as I know he loved me the way I did.

I gave him a kiss on the forehead as gently as I could. I was also tired. Even if I wanted to stare at him until daylight I'd fall asleep.

"Kiku, I love you." I cooed not really sure if he would hear me but just being able to say it makes me feel this world wasn't that horrible. He concurred every feeling I had in me, love, compassion, care, worry, patience, lust…and more I could hardly list them down.  Every feeling I felt was connected to him whether it was right or wrong. I knew deep down in my heart that Kiku was my one and only joy, the reason why I'm still breathing now, for him and only him.

I lay down beside him, taking his small hand to press against my cheek. All I needed is him. Kiku Honda is all I needed, all that I would cherish for eternity. I would make him feel bliss every moment of his life.  I drifted, with that in my heart and mind.

"I love you too Arthur-san." And an angel spoke in my dreams.

END